Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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