i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
