My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
