I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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