What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
worst night to have a conscience
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
