the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
