I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize