I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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