i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
