A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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