the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize