i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
