Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
