Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
