you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
