I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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