The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
