I wish I could punch you in the face.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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