Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
