Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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