Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
