so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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