someone get that fucking seahorse.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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