I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
