When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
