If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
