I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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