Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
