I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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