Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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