I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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