now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize