My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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