there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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