I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
