Jerry, you need to find god
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
