Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
