he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
