Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
