Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
