my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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