Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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