whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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