I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
