I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
someone owes me an orgasm
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize