i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
