he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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