She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
