i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
