my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I currently don't understand fingers.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
