I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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