You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I would ride that face into the sunset
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
