we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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